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  • From the Pastor's Wife - Our Men and OUR hair

    Hello, ladies. My name is Veronica and I am First Lady of a church in Louisiana. I began transitioning in August 2011 and big chopped on March 2, 2012. I have enough swag to have big chopped earlier BUT I was worried about two interrelated things:

    1) What would my husband the Right Reverend say because he's my husband AND because he's senior pastor of a church? Would he still be as attracted to me or would he think I look like a boy (or too much like him)?

    2) What will the church say? What will the women in the church, only a few of whom have natural hair, think or say?

    I've noticed that other women have delayed the big chop or transitioned for longer than they would have chosen to do so based upon the unfavorable opinion of husbands, boyfriends, family members. People love to say that it's just hair but hair has a big impact on our self-esteem and the people around us. If it's just hair, why do belong to this forum, haunt youtube, and google the latest and greatest techniques and products?

    Have any of you put off the big chop or extended the transition on another person's behalf? Is it really our hair or is it community property?







  • #2
    It is your hair,but as you said often times our self-esteem is tied to other's opinions of us. More specifically, our loved ones. My husband dislikes my natural hair which is the main reason this is my 3rd time going natural. The first time I went natural my Husband looked at me like I disgusted him. So I relaxed it after a month. The Second time, he didn't say anything, so I convinced myself, that I didn't like it because I knew he didn't like it. I relaxed it after 2 months. This time I decided I wanted to do this for me. I realized that I liked natural hair and my hair didn't define me. More importantly, I came to the conclusion that when I got married, while I gained a wonderful husband, I lost my individuality, my body and my name. The only thing I had left that was mine was my Hair, so I am going to wear it the way I want to wear it. At that point I cut my hair down to a brushcut, almost bald. Yeah, my husband was not pleased, BUT he loves ME more than he loves relaxed hair. Plus I think he finds my confidence in rocking my natural hair sexy even though he doesn't like my hair. I am sure your husband loves you and will feel the same.

    And Oh by the way, I have been natural since September and recently cut my hair back down to a brushcut. GROWN AND SEXY WITH IT!
    Last edited by lyingram; 03-09-2012, 01:10 PM.

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    • #3
      I too was once worried about what my husband thought of my hair. I am now 9 months into my 2nd time being natural and I love it. Regardless of how he may feel, it is my hair and this is what makes me happy.


      "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"
      ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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      • #4
        At my sister's church (mother too, sister was first to attend), the pastor's wife BC'd and she was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. I loved her short hair and as it started growing she only became more beautiful, she looked better natural than with straight hair. If you do it you are going to have to find a way to own it, it's a shame that natural hair has such a stigma because it is beautiful.

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        • #5
          You're not alone

          Originally posted by lyingram View Post
          It is your hair,but as you said often times our self-esteem is tied to other's opinions of us. More specifically, our loved ones. My husband dislikes my natural hair which is the main reason this is my 3rd time going natural. The first time I went natural my Husband looked at me like I disgusted him. So I relaxed it after a month. The Second time, he didn't say anything, so I convinced myself, that I didn't like it because I knew he didn't like it. I relaxed it after 2 months. This time I decided I wanted to do this for me. I realized that I liked natural hair and my hair didn't define me. More importantly, I came to the conclusion that when I got married, while I gained a wonderful husband, I lost my individuality, my body and my name. The only thing I had left that was mine was my Hair, so I am going to wear it the way I want to wear it. At that point I cut my hair down to a brushcut, almost bald. Yeah, my husband was not pleased, BUT he loves ME more than he loves relaxed hair. Plus I think he finds my confidence in rocking my natural hair sexy even though he doesn't like my hair. I am sure your husband loves you and will feel the same.

          And Oh by the way, I have been natural since September and recently cut my hair back down to a brushcut. GROWN AND SEXY WITH IT!
          I am dealing with a similar situation. I also cut mine to a fade 9 months ago and i did it in his absence. The look on his face was enough to register his displeasure. I got a weave to grow out my hair and now that it's gained some length, he's asking for a straight look with all kinds of excuses and reasons.

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          • #6
            I think for now you can get a protective style to grow it out to a longer length so as to reduce the stress you might have from church members or other people.

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            • #7
              Sis. 1st Lady,

              My Uncle's wife (my aunt) bc'd her hair and she is a pastor's wife as well. Several ladies at the church have been inspired to do the same. She still rocks her hats and suits and looks lovely! What part of the boot are you located?


              👠🎶Sent from my iPhone using CurlyNikki🎶👠
              Rehabbing from creamy crack since October 15, 2011

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              • #8
                Hello Miss V,
                I actually couldn't wait to b.c. because the transitioning phase was kind of awkward for me. I was blessed with a guy at the time who assured me that he'd find me attractive regardless of my hair style but I do know what you mean about feeling pressure to uphold a certain standard, especially when you are in a traditional role.
                I think that society is trained to identify certain things as beautiful. We weren't born thinking that this hair and that skin is the prettiest. One way to reshape society's perception of an ideal is to offer alternatives. The more brothas and sistahs rockin' their natural texture, the more accepted it becomes. I think that those who decide to be natural are changing people's perception of what is pretty or elegant, chic or sophisticated.
                If there's only a hand full of natural members at your church, imagine how nice it is for them to have a staple of the church wearing her God-given texture too.
                Don't worry about what the congregation thinks, cuz I guarantee you the woman who has something rude to say about you're hair this Sunday will have something rude to say about your shoes on the next. You just gotta love everything about yourself enough for those who might not. :-)

                ~ Peggy~

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                • #9
                  Ms. LadyVero,

                  Don't be afraid of what others may think. Do it for you. If you feel the confidence that you look good, then forget what others will say! They will get over it. Hair grows back... I BC'd back in Dec. 2010 (I had a low fade) and at first I was worried what my husband would say, but to my shock and surprise-he liked it! And my kids loved it! (another shocker!)

                  Now, when I get bored with doing my hair and just want to do something different (like braids), he tells me he likes my hair the way it is and tries to help me find more styles to rock! He can't stand braids now! Even though for me they are convenient cuz I want to be lazy, he suggested I do mini twists! I love my husband! And I guess being over 40 I have that "I don't give a _____!" attitude now I'm grown and as long as I love it, it doesn't matter what others think! That's why we have our own heads to do what we want to do with it!


                  Sent from my...Go Gators!

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                  • #10
                    Thanks for all the support. I'm in Northwestern LA between Shreveport and Alexandria. I bc'ed last Friday and one of the members bc'ed on the following Tuesday so maybe we are inspiring others to rock their natural hair. A few negative comments but that is to be expected.






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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by LadyVero View Post
                      Thanks for all the support. I'm in Northwestern LA between Shreveport and Alexandria. I bc'ed last Friday and one of the members bc'ed on the following Tuesday so maybe we are inspiring others to rock their natural hair. A few negative comments but that is to be expected.
                      Cool... I live in Shreveport!!!


                      👠🎶Sent from my iPhone using CurlyNikki App.🎶👠
                      Rehabbing from creamy crack since October 15, 2011

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                      • #12
                        Hey...The Boot is in the house!!! I'm in New Iberia...just South of Lafayette!!!

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                        • #13
                          Woa now I'm bout an hour east of Shreveport. Repn the Boot. What's up fam

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                          • #14
                            It's all good in the boot today...anyone knows about CurlieQ meet ups in the Boot!?!

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                            • #15
                              Oops...Curlie meet-ups

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